she looked like the before picture.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
