I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
