the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
