I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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