When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
