So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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