I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
