This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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