Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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