um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
