...so i touched it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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