sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
