im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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