How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
