apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
