I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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