I could make wine with my vomit
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
