Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
