My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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