Someone shit on the floor
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
