All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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