as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize