I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Send help, water and tortillas.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
