life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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