I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
