toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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