I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
