i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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