your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
