Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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