drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
