Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
