dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
3pm strippers are depressing
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
