There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
