8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
