We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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