Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
