the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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