wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think my moral compass just broke
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
