I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
