did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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