I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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