Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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