Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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