This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
