Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
