Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
