then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
