she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
