woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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