i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
