HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
