In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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