Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
