May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
