Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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