you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
