I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
