I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
