He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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