Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
