He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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