you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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