she was so not down for the gang bang
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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