I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He passed out mid-signature
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
