How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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