have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize