Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Randomize
