I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
