im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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