You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Sorry about my life...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
