We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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