he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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