You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
