My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
